MarriageResurrected

Lost

During my first marriage, my husband and I faced some very stressful challenges, both physically and emotionally, but I stood by his side and supported him throughout those difficult times. The pastor who officiated our marriage said when faced with the same situation we went through, couples often end up divorced. Because we had overcome so much together, I thought we had built a bond that couldn't be broken. But there came a time in our marriage when I truly needed him to be there for me. Instead, I found myself facing a difficult issue on my own. After having been there for him on countless occasions, why would he turn away at a time when I needed him the most? Our marriage was struggling, and I no longer trusted him the way I once did. This was a turning point for me in our relationship. I felt angry and abandoned and no longer looked to my husband for support. After years of dealing with a situation on my own, I found myself in a place of complete dissatisfaction and resentment towards the person I once loved and promised to stand by for the rest of my life. I didn't realize at the time how powerful the negative thoughts were and how they were affecting my emotions and behaviors. Over time, they were distorting my perceptions of reality and breaking down the emotional bond I once had with my husband. Happiness and overall satisfaction were becoming difficult to maintain as the negative thoughts started to overshadow all the positive ones. I recall times when I cried myself to sleep at night, praying to God to fix what was wrong in my marriage. I even found myself a little angry at God for what I was going through and lashed out at a pastor when he told me I needed to fix my marriage; asking him why God wasn't there to help me when I needed His help. Years after my divorce, I finally realized that God was there guiding me through that difficult time in my life, but I was too bitter and stubborn to listen; frustrated at anyone who didn't give me the confirmation I was seeking to end my marriage. Negativity had taken hold of me and trying to rebuild what was damaged felt inconceivable. The marriage was falling apart as the emotional distance between us grew over time. I started to forget about the vows I once made to my husband and started to envision a life without him. I was envious of those who had what I once had, and I didn't want to settle for less. I felt defeated by the uncertainty of our relationship and couldn't see a path to move forward. How could I heal and move beyond the hurt if we never discussed the issue? How could I trust my husband when years of ongoing suspicions tormented my every thought? I reached a point where I felt a sense of loss of who I was and where I was heading. Even though I was married, I felt very much alone.

Have you ever felt lost? I didn't understand what people meant when they said they "lost themselves" or needed to "find themselves." This was something I couldn't grasp. How do you lose yourself? Unfortunately, I experienced this emotional crisis when pushed to the point where I felt I could no longer cope with the situation. I lost sense of who I was from all the negative thoughts and mental images that replayed repeatedly in my head. I felt as if I no longer knew the person I was married to and started to question everything about the relationship. It's not something that happened overnight, but developed over years of recurring doubts about my marriage. Having gone through the experience, I now understand what it means to lose yourself. In other words, I lost sight of my morals and values and did things I never thought I was capable of doing. Looking back now, I don't recognize the person I was. It's shocking how our thoughts and emotions can drive us to do things we wouldn't normally do. I always had a clear sense of my beliefs and principles that guide me in life. However, all of it went out the window when faced with an unresolved situation that resulted in years of emotional distress. I once gave a friend advice about her marriage where I could clearly see the difference between right and wrong. When I later faced the same challenge in my own marriage, I didn't take my own advice. My emotions clouded my ability to see things clearly and compromised my ability to make sound decisions. It's easy to see the path we should take when we're not in the midst of the storm. It's when we're going through conflict that we lose our objectivity to the situation and the lines between right and wrong often become blurred. I believe this is the reason so many people have regrets in their life. Our emotions are fragile and often change with time and circumstance. Past experiences can also shape our perceptions and responses to stressful situations that may lead us to overreact or unfairly judge the intentions of others. In the heat of the moment, we may say or do things we later regret. Unfortunately, many of the things we say or do cannot be undone and are not easily forgotten. By the time I realized how far off the path I had strayed, the damage had already been done. I struggled with who I had become and could no longer separate who I was from the mistakes I had made. My thoughts were paralyzing; leaving me stuck and unable to see past all my failures that led to my divorce. Since then, I've learned the mistakes we make in life do not define who we are. We're all human and we all make mistakes, some greater than others, but I believe it's what we do in life as a result of our mistakes that determine our character. Learning to separate who we are from what we've done in error or misjudgment can help us grow and avoid repeating the same mistakes. I've heard many parents say that by the time they have their second child, they've learned how to do things better. I don't think there's a single parent out there who would say they've never made a mistake in raising their child, but I don't believe they would label themself as a "bad" parent because of it. So why label someone as a "bad" person if they don't always make the right decisions? I don't think the bad choices we make in life should outweigh all the good ones. Unfortunately, some of our decisions can have life-changing consequences that serve as a constant reminder of those mistakes, but learning from those experiences and becoming a better person because of them allows us to move forward and not focus on the past.

Thoughts, Emotions and Behaviors

I think it's fair to say many couples who struggle in their marriage believe the easier path is divorce. I too felt that way. The old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side" adequately described my state of mind as my marriage started to deteriorate. After struggling for some time with trust issues and a breakdown in communication, I focused primarily on all the things I didn't like about my marriage. Rather than putting my efforts into fixing the issues and rebuilding the relationship, I imagined how much better life would be if I were single again. My negative thoughts became toxic to the relationship and slowly destroyed what was left of the marriage. Although it takes two to fix a marriage, I already had one foot out the door. During my divorce, I met with a church counselor who told me that ending my marriage and starting a new relationship would initially feel like the better option, but the excitement of a new relationship would eventually fade away and I would find myself faced with many of the same challenges. I couldn't see it at the time, but I would later discover the challenges he cautioned me about would be much more difficult than I could have imagined. I was also faced with many new difficulties I never experienced in my previous marriage. I didn't want to listen to the advice of others, even though I went to them for guidance. Instead, I chose to ignore the advice of counselors and decided to walk away from my marriage, basing my decision solely on my thoughts and feelings. Trying to fix the issues in my marriage was something I decided I no longer wanted. I felt I deserved better. Proverbs 13:10 (NIV) states, "Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." My ego prevented me from following the advice of counselors to work on reconciling my marriage. I thought moving on and starting a life with someone else would give me a fresh start, leaving behind the issues I felt could no longer be resolved. As time passed, I realized starting over was much harder than I ever anticipated. Through counseling, I found many people take years to recover from a divorce, and this often causes problems in new relationships.

The mind has the power to shape various aspects of our life, and learning to control our thoughts can significantly impact our relationships, the choices we make, and our overall well-being. Our thoughts, behaviors and emotions all directly influence one another, affecting many of the experiences we go through in life and possibly altering our perceptions of reality. For example, people often set themselves up for failure by convincing themselves they can't do something before they even try. When convinced they can't do something, the likelihood of failure is inevitable because they lack the motivation and enthusiasm to succeed. I'm now happily married, but it took a great deal of time and effort to get to this point. It doesn't mean I'm happy one hundred percent of the time or that I don't have any complaints, but I accept the fact that nothing in life is perfect and everything worth keeping takes commitment. Every marriage has its struggles, and just like the counselor told me, getting into a new relationship would be the easier option in the beginning. However, as time went on and the troubles began to emerge in my second marriage, I found myself once again faced with difficult challenges I was unprepared for. It took a lot of years of self-reflection and spiritual growth to understand that I had the power to manage my thoughts, rather than allowing my thoughts to take control over me. My thoughts still get the best of me at times, but I continue to grow in this area and realize it's a work-in-progress.

There are no perfect marriages, and all relationships take work. Leaving behind the problems from my first marriage didn't guarantee smooth sailing in my second marriage. In fact, there were a number of new challenges I struggled with. Statistically, the divorce rate increases with each subsequent marriage, confirming the reasons behind the advice I received from counselors. I think one contributing factor is the baggage we all bring into a new marriage. For me, the emotional baggage from my divorce caused an overload of feelings that were difficult to deal with while trying to move on in a new relationship. Additionally, transitioning from a relationship with no kids to suddenly being a stepmom to three was a life-altering change. There are many aspects to being a stepparent that are completely out of my control and trying to wrap my mind around that fact took its toll on me. Like it or not, I had to finally concede to the reality that I had no choice but to accept the things I could not control or change. I hate to admit it, but there were times I wanted to dissolve my second marriage because I didn't want to deal with all the issues. Once again, my mind started to focus more on the negative things in the marriage and I could no longer see the reasons why I shouldn't get divorced. Fortunately, with the love and support of my husband, we eventually worked through many of our problems, and in July 2025 we celebrated our 15-year anniversary.

The one guarantee in every marriage is there will be times of turmoil. How you choose to respond in those situations can significantly impact the dynamics of the relationship. It's easy to allow our emotions to get the best of us, but uncontrolled emotions can often lead to irrational thoughts and behaviors. Learning to manage those thoughts and emotions can lead to healthier relationships and better overall health. When we learn to control our reactions or responses to distressing situations, it can lead to more productive communication and positive outcomes. Without open and honest communication, there's not much hope for a marriage to succeed; keeping in mind communication is a two-way street and requires both parties to actively engage in verbalizing and listening. Unfortunately, effective communication is not always easy and takes time and commitment to develop the necessary skills, especially since men and women often interpret conversations differently. Also, with current technologies, there are countless distractions that can derail a conversation and interfere with building strong relationships. For example, mobile phones are meant to make life more convenient, but for some, has allowed for inconsiderate behavior, miscommunication and an emotional disconnect from others. Taking a call or answering a text while in the middle of a conversation with someone else is disrespectful and can make someone feel insignificant. Being aware of your actions and how your demeanor is perceived by others is important to build and maintain more meaninful relationships. For example, having a conversation with someone who continues to look away or constantly checks their phone can make the other person feel unappreciated or unimportant. Many people don't seem to realize the importance of their body language and how it contributes to a conversation. A person's nonverbal cues can strongly convey their intentions, attitude and mindset. I remember as a child the look my dad would give me when I was misbehaving. Without saying a word, I knew immediately that I needed to stop whatever it was I was doing.

Being mindful of our words, tone, actions and body language can help strengthen relationships and allow for clearer communication. However, when communication is ambiguous, such as when a person's body language conflicts with what they say, it can lead to confusion and distrust that directly impacts how a situation or person is perceived. The lack of face-to-face conversations can also lead to a breakdown in communication as nonverbal signals are lost in discussions. For instance, how many times have you communicated with someone in a text and were left wondering if they were mad at you because their response was short or delayed, when in fact they were busy and responded as quickly as they could? How about a time when someone sent you something in all caps and they were trying to emphasize the importance of something, but you took it to mean they were yelling at you? Because the intent of a message can often be misinterpreted when visual cues, tone and context are missing from the conversation, unnecessary conflict may occur as a result.

Poor communication or a lack of communication is detrimental to a marriage, or any relationship for that matter. The less you communicate with your spouse, the more opportunity there is for misunderstandings, resentment, lack of intimacy, and feelings of disconnect. I once thought avoiding difficult conversations was a better alternative to arguing. As I learned the hard way, unresolved concerns only intensify over time, causing greater distance and a lack of trust that lead to negative thoughts and emotions; ultimately eroding a relationship. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and when there's a lack of communication, commitment and support for one another, it opens the door for a multitude of other issues. Bear in mind, the way you interact with your spouse can also damage the relationship. For example, do you often interrupt your partner when they're speaking? Rather than ask for clarification, do you jump to conclusions and assume they mean something other than what they say? Do you easily take offense to someone's opinion if it doesn't align with your own? Do you actively listen to the other person when they speak or is your mind somewhere else? Do you only engage in conversations with an occasional nod, or are you truly invested in conversing with your partner? A breakdown in communication can lead to several emotional responses, misunderstandings and assumptions that damage relationships. This in turn can lead to diminished interactions and involvement between spouses that further strain the relationship. For instance, if your spouse doesn't show any interest when you speak or dismisses your feelings when you need their support, you may eventually shut down emotionally and stop expressing your feelings altogether. When feelings are suppressed and open communication no longer flourishes in a marriage, resentment continues to build and will eventually erupt. Effective communication is necessary to sustain and grow a relationship. Avoiding hard discussions will only leave you stuck with problems that never get solved. Learning to handle arguments with respect and empathy can allow for more open and honest communication, strengthening the bond between you and your spouse. There's no doubt your relationship will experience conflict, but if you treat it as an opportunity to learn and grow, you can overcome one of the main barriers to building a stronger, more fulfilling marriage.

Marriage Counseling

I would certainly recommend counseling, if necessary, as it helped me tremendously after my divorce. However, I would strongly caution anyone seeking professional guidance to be careful when selecting a counselor. I've had both good and bad experiences. Prior to my divorce, my husband and I met with a marriage counselor for an issue we couldn't resolve on our own. His advice was to keep secrets from one another to avoid causing strife in the relationship. He said what the other person didn't know couldn't hurt them. During this session, he was talking about infidelity. In other words, his recommendation was to not admit to indiscretions because it would only cause conflict in the relationship. I completely disagreed with his guidance as it conflicted with biblical teachings and the morals I grew up with. Because his advice was to lie to one another, we never went back for further counseling. I don't believe a healthy marriage can exist on lies and secrets. I've learned through personal experience that when trust is broken in a relationship, it cannot be repaired without full disclosure. When denied the opportunity to know the truth, I believe it's human nature to try and fill in the gaps. That's why it's crucial to always be honest. If you're keeping secrets from your spouse, it's most likely the result of you doing something you know you shouldn't do. Had the counselor based his guidance more on being open and honest, rather than telling us to hide things from one another, the outcome may have turned out differently. That experience taught me to always look for a counselor whose values and beliefs align with my own.

When we're kids, our parents often know what we're up to or what we've done, even if we think we're clever enough to fool them. The same applies even as adults. Just because we think we've gotten away with something, doesn't mean others don't know about it or someone won't find out. In my case, I had justifiable reasons for my suspicions that something was wrong in our relationship, but didn't know the whole truth because my attempts to discuss it went nowhere. Because of my ongoing suspicions and not having the opportunity to work through them, I continued to imagine the worst-case scenario. Regardless of whether I knew the facts, my thoughts filled in the blanks and only caused further resentment. That resentment eventually led me to act out and do things I never thought I would do. I became the person who could no longer be trusted and started keeping secrets from my husband. Neither one of us were being honest, which only caused further silence and distance between us. Eventually, the truth came out, but only after asking for a divorce. For me, not knowing the truth was worse than eventually finding out what really happened. I honestly believe in most cases a lie will eventually be exposed, whether by accident or by guilty confession. I think most would agree, the longer a lie lives on, the more damage it can cause to both the person lying and the person being lied to. In my case, I went three years before finding out the truth behind my suspicions. By that time, a significant amount of emotional damage had already been done, and I could no longer see the good in my spouse or the marriage. I distanced myself from the relationship and communication eventually broke down. We all do things that hurt the ones we love, whether intentional or unintentional. Unfortunately, it seems the ones we hurt the most are those who are closest to our hearts. I believe relationships can be restored, but there needs to be unconditional love, honesty, understanding and forgiveness to work through emotional hurt and suffering. Through personal experience, I learned the guidance of a trusted counselor can often provide significant help and support. Although, my experience has also taught me that harm can be inflicted by counselors who misguide us.

The best counseling I received was through the church I attended. It nurtured me with faith-based knowledge and guidance, allowing me to see the mistakes I made, as well as the mistakes my husband made. I heard from multiple marriage counselors who shared the most common concerns marital couples face and how many of them often react in similar ways. Much of what I learned focused on the effects that result from a breakdown in communication and lack of commitment to one another. When your spouse ends up being the lowest priority on your list, it weakens the marriage and leaves room for someone else to provide what's missing. I once heard someone say, "If you don't pay attention to your spouse, someone else will." When a relationship is new, we dedicate a significant amount of time building that relationship. We listen intently to what the other person has to say and willingly make time for them, regardless of busy schedules. Unfortunately for many of us, the longer the relationship lasts, the less time we devote to it. As with most things in life, ongoing neglect often leads to loss. In marriage, both parties need to contribute to the relationship to avoid drifting apart from one another. It requires open and honest communication to strengthen the relationship, as well as an understanding of each other's needs and expectations. Men and women often have a very different way of thinking and getting one another to see each other's point of view can often be difficult. An objective point of view can sometimes bring to light the things we overlook, misunderstand or take for granted. Support groups and counseling can often help provide that objective viewpoint. I do understand the costs for counseling can sometimes be more than what many families can afford. Thankfully, there are often alternatives to private counseling that can provide significant benefits, such as group counseling sessions that are often offered through local churches.

Emotional Decision Making

I was reminded in counseling when we act on our emotions, we often say and do irresponsible things we later regret. Growing up, I was always taught to treat others the way I wanted to be treated - with love and respect. During my divorce, I lost sight of those important lessons my parents had instilled in me. Unfortunately, the consequences of my reckless behavior not only led to regret, but feeling of intense sorrow and pain. When we’re hurt, we often hurt others or ourselves without even knowing it. Or we purposely hurt those who hurt us as a way to get revenge. Couples should work towards repairing a damaged relationship; not strive to even the score. This type of cyclical behavior can often lead to irreparable damage. When we immediately react without taking time to diffuse the anger and understand the reason behind it, a bad situation can easily escalate into something much worse. Additionally, I believe most people never consider how different factors or circumstances can influence how they react to the same situation. For instance, how I deal with a difficult situation often depends upon how well my day is going, how much sleep I’ve had, or how much stress I’m currently under. Even medications, supplements and stimulants can interact with our body’s normal way of functioning. Not to say our emotions are unwarranted, but several factors play a role in our level of sensitivity or insensitivity. When we're in the hospital, we're cautioned not to sign legal documents because of the medications we're given and the impacts those drugs have on our mental state. Even something as simple as being hungry can cause us to lash out unexpectedly. I think the key to overcoming adverse emotional reactions is to be more mindful of the circumstances surrounding our situation and allowing time to understand, process and manage those emotions. Open and honest communication is also critical. When we don't know the truth or we stop communicating, our thoughts can lead us to the wrong conclusions.

Before making any life changing decisions, take time to process and understand the root cause of those emotions. Although we can't control our emotions, we can control how we react in response to those emotions. For example, when someone lashes out at us for no apparent reason, we can choose to respond in love or anger. Our response can often escalate or de-escalate a situation. Everyone has bad days, and those frustrations can sometimes unintentionally project onto others. No one is perfect and we're all guilty of offending someone at one point or another. When you're at fault, be sure to take responsibility and apologize for your actions. Also, be willing to forgive quickly so animosity doesn't begin to set in. This is something I struggled with for a long time as some things are much harder to forgive than others. It's easier for me to forgive someone when I receive an apology or acknowledgment of the offense. Trying to make peace when there's no admission of wrongdoing is significantly more difficult for me, as I believe is the case for most people. During divorce counseling, I learned that forgiving others doesn't require the other person to admit they were wrong or to even apologize for their behavior. Biblical scriptures teach us that we are to forgive others if we want to be forgiven.

I learned forgiveness is also for our benefit, leading to emotional healing and spiritual growth. We can't heal or repair a damaged relationship if we can't let go of anger and resentment. We've all been hurt by things others have said or done to us. However, we shouldn't always assume the other person is cognizant of their offense. People can't apologize for something they're not aware of. Sometimes, a simple conversation to clear up a misunderstanding can avoid further conflict. After all, expecting an apology from someone who's unaware they've done anything wrong will only cause further contempt towards that person. For example, when I was 24 years old, I was involved in a head on collision with a drunk driver. For almost a year, I was extremely angry and bitter towards the driver because there was no apology for the significant emotional and physical pain and damage he inflicted. I later discovered he was never informed as to the extent of injuries resulting from the accident. When the case went to trial and he was made aware of the harm he caused, he immediately apologized for his actions. The attorney couldn't understand why the apology was so impactful, but it allowed me to let go of all the negative emotions and begin the healing process. It also allowed me to see that my assumption about him having no remorse for the pain and suffering he inflicted on others was incorrect. If I had forgiven him much sooner, even without an apology, it would have benefited me in the long run. It wasn't that he was a callous person, it was that he was not fully aware of the severity of damage caused by the accident. That's why it's so important to forgive others even when they don't ask for it. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting what happened or excusing the offense, it's about letting go of the burden that afflicts us so we can start to heal from the pain. It's difficult to move forward when you can't let go of the past.

I think we've all experienced times when a specific event may have led to an unintentional emotional reaction or outburst. Learning how to identify those emotional triggers can help us manage how we respond to them and deter us from falling victim to negative thoughts and behaviors. Rather than allowing negative past experiences to adversely shape future responses to similar provocations, focusing on how to deal with the past can help a person move forward in a positive manner. After all, you can't erase or run from past experiences, but you can learn to overcome them. It's also important not to direct misplaced anger onto someone else as it can easily cause a ripple effect. For example, if you have an argument with your spouse before leaving for work, you may direct your anger at a co-worker, who then directs his anger at a customer. In turn, that customer may decide to no longer do business with you. Reacting to our emotions can often lead to consequences we never imagined. When emotions are intensified, they can impair our ability to be objective in making rational decisions.

Emotional Healing

When an injury is visible, such as with an open wound, we tend to use caution to avoid inflicting further pain and damage. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotional wounds, we can't see the extent of damage and may be unaware it exists. As a result, we don't use the same level of caution and may not realize that a reaction could be rooted in unresolved emotional trauma from past experiences. What I've learned is emotional wounds can also lead to the same defensive fight-or-flight instinct, causing us to retreat or lash out when we've been hurt. Just like physical wounds, emotional wounds also need time and attention to heal and may leave lasting emotional scars. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." When I was a child, it was taught as a way to shrug off negative remarks and convey the notion that words cannot cause physical harm. However, it minimizes the damage that can be inflicted by what we say. Emotional harm can in fact lead to physical harm, which can often be seen as a result of bullying. Not to say we should be offended by everything everyone says to us, but when we are ridiculed, learning to process and move beyond the hurt can help us achieve a healthier mindset that promotes emotional balance.

When we've been hurt, part of the healing process may require a deeper understanding of the motives behind someone's comments. Outbursts may be directed at us, but may not be about us at all. For example, if someone has unresolved past experiences that they haven't yet dealt with, they may overreact to minor issues and direct their anger at you. I think we've all been on the receiving end of hurtful words, some of which were easy to dismiss, while others may have left a lasting impression. When insults or demeaning statements come from strangers, such as when we encounter hostility from road rage, it may be easy to brush off. However, when hurtful words come from those we are close to or respect, emotional wounds can have a deeper, long-lasting effect. Although it's challenging not to retaliate in those situations, it's crucial to avoid reacting in the same hurtful manner. Have you ever said something out of anger you wished you could take back? I think we've all done it at some point in our life. Unfortunately, you can't unring that bell. Remaining calm and choosing your words carefully when responding can help you avoid further conflict and improve communication. The bible talks about being mindful as to how we speak to others. Words have the ability to bring encouragement and healing, but also have the potential to inflict tremendous hurt. Proverbs 18:21 states, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue...” This scripture alone demonstrates the power of words. They can be used to lift someone up or tear someone down. The emotional impact of what we say can have lifelong repercussions that influence a person's overall well-being, especially when it comes from those we trust the most. But keep in mind, emotional wounds are not just caused by the words we say, but by the things we do or don't do. There's truth to the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." You can tell someone you love them, but if you fail to show it in any way, the words mean nothing. On the other hand, you could say nothing, but kind gestures and selfless acts can demonstrate your love for someone.

I believe not allowing proper time to heal emotionally can cause further damage to relationships and to a person's emotional and physical health. Whether we realize it or not, past experiences directly impact our current situations. Have you ever overreacted to a situation and later wondered what caused it? In the midst of an argument, do you find yourself bringing up previous issues that were never discussed or resolved? An extreme outburst to something trivial may be a sign that all the emotions accumulated over time have finally surfaced, causing a reaction to several past events. If a wound is not cared for, it can become infected and spread, requiring more time and attention to heal. Emotional pain can also worsen over time if neglected. But in order to heal, we need to tend to our emotions in a healthy and timely manner. Communication, understanding the root cause of our feelings, and learning effective coping skills are key to achieving a successful outcome. A significant battle for me was learning to properly address my emotions in lieu of bottling them up. Rather than risk an argument, I would suppress my negative feelings to avoid conflict, hoping the emotions would subside over time. Tragically, the opposite occurred, causing a snowball effect that led to heighted arguments and further emotional distress. I've since learned to be more open about my feelings and more in tune to addressing those emotions sooner rather than later. I'm now mindful that pent-up emotions will not resolve on their own and need to be dealt with. When a tooth begins to decay, it will only get worse over time. If it's never addressed, tooth loss will most likely be the end result. If we ignore emotional stress or trauma, it too will most likely lead to the loss of relationships and cause further mental and physical damage.

Just as the body needs sufficient downtime for recovery, the mind also needs adequate rest to properly function. Emotional healing takes time and patience, and everyone's clock is different when it comes to restoring our emotional well-being. Through counseling, I learned that statistically men often get over divorce much more quickly than women do. I also learned when a marriage becomes broken, one of the first things people often do is jump into another relationship too quickly, often ignoring many of the emotions that haven't yet been dealt with from the previous relationship. Those unresolved emotions can often worsen over time and influence our thoughts and behaviors in subsequent relationships. If you don't resolve the painful experiences from the past, it's only a matter of time before something triggers a reaction and you no longer see things in the proper perspective, consequently increasing the likelihood you'll overreact to the current situation. Daily distractions can also impede our ability to tend to our emotions. Caring for our own needs can be difficult with a full-time job, kids, elderly parents and other circumstances that arise in day-to-day life. I've learned over the years that emotional self-care is crucial to our overall health and well-being. When life gets overwhelming and there's no time to care for our own needs, exhaustion can negatively impact all aspects of our lives. Before reaching the point of burnout, we need to learn to take time for ourselves to unwind and decompress from the unavoidable stresses in life. And I get it...sometimes it's easier said than done. Even something as simple as taking 10-15 minutes a day to go for a walk or meditate can significantly improve your overall mood and stress level. For me, taking time to go to the gym was a great way to unwind and de-stress while maintaining a healthy lifestyle habit. Having time just to myself a few days a week provided an outlet to release the tension built up from the day.

Every person needs to find their own healthy coping mechanism for the unpleasant emotions faced in everyday life. Whether it's anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger, fear, or any other negative emotion, it needs to be dealt with, not avoided. Maintaining self-control over our emotions is important to prevent impulsive behaviors that can lead to further physical and emotional distress. Lack of self-control leads to poor decision-making, ineffective communication and strained relationships. Rather than allowing emotional wounds to disrupt your overall well-being, learn to accept what's been done and focus on the healing process. We can't change the past, but we can find ways to move forward and leave the pain behind us. For me, the pain can sometimes resurface, but I've learned not to dwell on it. Although some days are better than others as I experience occasional setbacks, I've come to realize it's a process that takes time and practice. Unfortunately, it took time for me to learn to be patient while working through many of the emotional struggles I encountered. Patience has always been a challenge for me, but I've learned the trials in life allow us the opportunity to learn and grow. I've since learned to rely on God to help me through tough circumstances rather than relying solely on myself to fix things. I realize I won't always understand the reasons why things happen, and I accept that I don't always need to know the answers. I just need to trust in a greater power to lead me through the tough times in my life.

Fallout

Everyone's situation is different when it comes to relationships, but how we deal with difficult circumstances can have a significant impact on others. When deciding to end a marriage, the impact can affect our emotional, physical and spiritual health, family members, friends, pets, employment, etc. While going through my divorce, I focused only on myself and what I wanted. I didn't consider how my choice would impact those around me. Fortunately, I didn't have children, so there were no custody disputes to work through. I have since remarried and now have three stepchildren. Although I didn't have ongoing custody battles with my ex-husband, I was drawn into and witnessed years of custody disputes in my second marriage. The aftermath of his divorce and ongoing conflicts with his ex-spouse not only impacted him and his children, but affected me as well. We spent a considerable amount of time and energy preparing for his court hearings, as well as a significant amount of our financial resources for attorney fees to settle continuing disputes. The experience taught me the hardships of divorce don't necessarily end when you part ways, but can continue for years after, especially when you have children. Raising kids in and of itself can be difficult, but when they are not your kids or are being raised by those who are not their birth parents, the task can become daunting and complicated for everyone. For me, the adjustment from being single to having an immediate family of 5 was frustrating and exhausting. In addition to having a full-time job, caring for an elderly parent and now dealing with the ongoing tension from my husband's ex-wife, I inherited the shared responsibility of caring for and cleaning up after someone else's children. This left little to no time for anything else, which was difficult as a newlywed. Even vacations were not just the two of us, but included all the kids as well, and could only be scheduled according to a parenting plan approved by the court system. Although we had every other weekend to ourselves, there was no honeymoon phase after the marriage as I became a stepparent on day one. I was naive as to what it meant to be a stepparent and the reality of what was expected was overwhelming. At times, I felt like an outsider to the family I had joined, causing friction that intensified over time. Things I could not foresee and didn't prepare for were the very things that almost drove me into another divorce. Marital conflicts are inevitable and my first instinct in my second marriage was to flee. It took years for me to see that divorce was not the answer. Running from my problems once again was not the solution. However, learning to navigate through an entirely different set of hardships was difficult to say the least. What I've learned is no matter the person you're with, all relationships will face adversity. It's never easy to overcome the issues in a marriage, but the repercussions of divorce are not painless and often bleed into new relationships, especially when children are involved.

Divorce doesn't have the same effect on all people who experience it and perspectives can vary significantly. But one thing I believe is common amongst most is people often don't consider the consequences of divorce. The misconception that divorce only affects the two people involved is an all-too-common presumption in most cases. Children of divorced parents also pay the price for changes they have no control over. They can become resentful towards their parents and stepparents or act out in rebellion for the changes they are forced to accept. Parent-child relationships can also become strained from losing valuable time with one another, while parenting plans dictate custody arrangements. Ex-spouses may also become a permanent part of your life when children are involved. Depending upon the type of relationship you have with your ex-spouse, it could cause tension when you or family members see them at different events, such as graduations, marriages, baby showers, etc. Before moving forward with divorce, I encourage couples to research the repercussions of divorce, especially those who have children. Joining a support group or speaking with counselors or psychologists who specialize in this area may help people realize how their decision to dissolve a marriage can impact their children. Understandably, in cases such as abuse, divorce may be inevitable.

The most difficult challenge I face in my second marriage is not knowing how to fit into my role as a stepparent. The responsibility to help raise and support someone else's children is expected, but when an invisible boundary is set and your intentions and actions are scrutinized because you are not their biological parent, it feels impossible to find stability. For example, when a mom disciplines her child for being disrespectful, it's viewed as good parenting. But when a stepmom corrects the child in the same manner, it's seen as mean, unfair or controlling. When a mom complains about her difficult child, it's viewed as a normal reaction to the stress of raising kids. When a stepmom complains about the same things, it's perceived as her not liking or even hating her stepchild. A stepmom is expected to fulfill the same duties as a biological mother, but is also expected not to "overstep" when it comes to discipline or voicing her opinion. I believe this creates a double-standard, making it nearly impossible for a stepmother to find balance or live up to anyone's expectations. It's like giving a teacher the responsibility to teach your child, but telling them they are not allowed to restrict your child's cell phone use during class. Preventing teachers from disciplining students who misbehave, with no intervening corrective action taken by the parents, can lead to increased levels of stress, chaotic classroom environments and difficulties in maintaining staff. A stepparent can undergo the same type of stress when they're required to accept bad behavior from their own stepchildren without the authority to discipline. When a stepchild is given a free pass to treat their stepparent with disrespect without any consequence for their actions, it sends a message that it's acceptable behavior. A parent is not required to tolerate misconduct from their kids, so why is it required of a stepparent? Parents and stepparents are required to share the same responsibilities for raising children, but only the stepparents have set boundaries. And don't get me wrong, I understand a biological parent should have the final say when it comes to their own children, but they too must understand there are consequences for divorce and remarriage that may include significant compromises if someone else is expected to be involved with raising their children. As improbable as it may seem, kids being raised and disciplined by a stepparent is not always a bad thing. As a matter of fact, giving birth to a child is not a pre-requisite for being a good parent, yet the bias still exists. The typical stereotype of the "evil stepmother" negatively influences how a stepmom is perceived and treated. For instance, a biological parent is allowed and expected to make mistakes, lose their temper, yell at their kids and punish them when they misbehave, and it's viewed as an inherited parental right. However, a stepmom is criticized and judged for doing the very same thing. Giving birth to a child doesn't automatically qualify a mother for a parent of the year award, but that perceived notion seems to be a widely accepted rule of thumb. The fact remains, there are good parents and bad parents just like there are good stepparents and bad stepparents. However, I do recognize the significance in the attachment a biological parent has to their children that is missing from a stepparent's relationship to a stepchild, but it doesn't mean stepparents are incapable of loving and nurturing someone else's child. Stepparents may not have the same special bond that biological parents share with their child, but they too make sacrifices for their stepchildren that are often overlooked and unappreciated. I don't believe a parent understands the challenges a stepparent faces, and vice versa. When it comes to parenting, neither can truly understand what it's like to walk in the other person's shoes because the emotional landscape is completely different. It's a difficult road to traverse and I've learned it's one of the most common causes for failed second marriages.

The belief in a perfect marriage is impractical, despite what reality shows may lead people to think. I believe all relationships have challenges, and marriage is no different. After all, how can a marriage be perfect when people are imperfect? I also believe searching for that "perfect" marriage will only lead to disappointment. Rather than expecting perfection, embrace the challenges as they often help us to grow and appreciate what we have and who we are. I believe when a couple can conquer their problems together, it helps build a stronger and more meaningful relationship. Focus should not be about avoiding conflict, but rather honesty and constructive resolution. But I also think there are times when couples will need to agree to disagree on certain topics. You can't force someone to think or feel the same way you do, but acknowledging each other's viewpoint and difference of opinion shows mutual respect for one another.

Growing up, I only had a few friends whose parents were divorced. Unfortunately, over the last few decades, the growth rate has increased and remains high, now appearing to be the norm for so many families. It's an epidemic I believe will have a detrimental impact on generations to come, as this is the unfortunate example society is setting. Television shows and social media have even gone so far as to make a mockery of marriage, causing further damage to the idea of love, commitment and selflessness. I also believe there's a growing trend of entitlement that leads to selfishness and unreasonable expectations in relationships. This type of attitude will certainly disrupt harmony in a marriage and will most likely lead to resentment and eventually divorce. I think too many people focus on what they can get from their spouse, or what they feel is "owed" to them, rather than focusing on what they can do for their spouse. Love is not self-serving and lazy with no thought or consideration for anyone else; but rather it's putting the needs of others above our own. I believe people are losing sight of what love and commitment really means. The bible teaches on love and how it should guide our actions towards others. It's not based solely on how someone feels, but rather a conscious choice to love.

When people choose to wed, they make a promise; a lifelong commitment to love, honor and support one another. They vow to stand by each other through sickness and health; for better or for worse. However, when those tough times come, and they certainly will, keeping those promises will challenge a person's innermost convictions. Although I had fully intended to keep my promises in my first marriage, I failed to do so when a problem went unresolved for years. During my divorce, I went from placing all the blame on my husband to placing full blame on myself. It took time for me to finally reflect on everything that happened and to realize we were both responsible for the problems that led to our divorce. Avoiding difficult conversations eventually led me to emotionally withdraw from the relationship. Avoiding the problems didn't make them go away, but caused further frustration and heartache over time. In the end, it felt more like living with a roommate than with my husband. We were going through the motions, but I had already emotionally checked out. Without open and honest communication and unresolved issues lingering for years, I gave up on my marriage.

I'm now married for the second time and have gone through, and continue to go through, some very difficult challenges along the way. The difference being I've chosen not to give up on my marriage again. Although the likelihood of a second marriage ending in divorce is much higher than a first marriage, it's not impossible to make it work. Even though the effort can be draining at times, my husband and I are committed to working through our problems together. We've both come to realize we need to be diligent in keeping our relationship strong. This includes setting aside time for one another, constant communication, growing and adapting to changes, accepting differences, making compromises, forgiving one another, supporting each other, and most importantly, keeping God's command to love one another at the center of it all. But knowing what needs to be done is just the beginning. It's the follow through that requires time and patience, testing our perseverance to overcome our struggles.

Planning and Preparation

Going through this experience has taught me that being mentally prepared is one of the key components to overcoming the obstacles we face in marriage and throughout our lives. Not fully knowing or understanding what a marriage entails, the sacrifices it requires, or the issues we may encounter can certainly throw a wrench into any relationship. We prepare for so much in life, but many of us, just like me, failed to prepare for the hardships and obligations of marital life. I prepared for the usual things like going to college, buying a home, saving for retirement, putting aside money for emergencies and vacations, etc. Sadly, I didn't prepare for the unanticipated difficulties of marriage. I think we all know problems are to be expected in any relationship, but being proactive rather than reactive in marriage can foster a healthier relationship. Some people don't believe in preparing for something that may never happen, but being prepared can often help us make better decisions in the event we're faced with the unexpected. For example, when I was a child, I was taught to never run from a dog that's coming at me as it may trigger them to attack. Little did I know at the time how valuable the information would be as I encountered this situation years later when I was in middle school. While walking past someone's house, a large dog started running along a chain link fence with its hair up, aggressively barking at me. As I approached the end of the owner's property, I noticed the gate was open and the dog came running out towards me. My first instinct was to run as I felt my heart pounding and my entire body trembling from fear. As the dog approached, I did exactly what I learned as a child - I stopped and firmly told the dog to go home. After a minute or so of the dog staring at me from across the street, it finally turned around and headed back home as I slowly walked away. It took every bit of strength I had not to run, but making the decision to do what I had been taught, rather than reacting on my feelings of fear, I avoided what could have been a traumatic outcome. But just like anything else, not all situations are the same and despite doing what I had learned as a child, the outcome could have turned out differently. The point being, my decision as to how to handle the situation was not based on an emotional reaction to panic, but rather a lesson I had learned at a very young age. Fortunately, even though I never thought it would happen to me, I was prepared for a situation I never thought I would face. Being prepared for the unexpected in a marriage can also help us make decisions based on reason rather than reacting to emotions.

I learned through counseling that most marriages encounter significant setbacks sometime around the ten-year mark. Those setbacks include things such as infidelity, significant health problems, children, financial hardships, commitment issues, addictions and bad habits; many of which can introduce emotional challenges most aren't ready to deal with. However, it’s difficult to prepare for something that can’t be measured, such as dealing with our emotions. After all, how do you measure emotion when you can’t see it or touch it? I suppose it’s easier to prepare for something more tangible, like saving for a new car or a house. We can plan for the type of car we want to purchase and how much we're willing or able to spend, but how do we put a price on the depth or intensity of the feelings we experience? Unfortunately, we can't estimate the cost of the emotional pain we experience in life, or how long that pain may last. So how do you prepare for this? In my experience, the best way to mentally equip yourself for situations you haven't yet experienced is to listen to those who have gone through it. Although listening to the experiences of others is not the same as experiencing them on our own, we can nonetheless learn a great deal from the lessons others have to offer. Gaining insight from couples who share personal struggles and triumphs can often help us avoid the same marital pitfalls and encourage us to make wiser choices. Even though we all have diverse personalities and traits that make us unique, many of us share similar life experiences and emotions, some of which can catch us by surprise. That's why it's important not to enter into marriage blindly. Premarital counseling can open the door for difficult conversations, allowing you to discover more about yourself and your future spouse. Open and honest communication about expectations, values and beliefs, life goals, past experiences, and future concerns may help you avoid some circumstances that trigger conflict in a marriage. Take for instance, the subject of finance and debt. If two people have completely different spending habits but never discuss it prior to marriage, they won't be prepared for the financial stress that results from this type of differing lifestyle. Being knowledgeable of the other person's values and goals gives the opportunity to explore a compromise to satisfy both lifestyles. If a compromise can't be reached, it may be an indicator that marriage is not the right decision. Otherwise, each person will have to accept the other's lifestyle and spending habits if they choose to wed. It may not sound like something you want to hash out before your wedding day, but I've learned financial issues are one of the leading causes for divorce in this country and it's important to address these types of concerns.

Planning and preparation are essential elements for marriage. Unfortunately, many enter into marriage without doing either, or discuss it too late. Would you set a wedding date and never spend time planning for that day? What would happen if that day came and you weren't prepared for it? I think a large majority of couples focus too much on the details of a wedding and neglect the importance of the marriage itself. Planning for a single day verses planning for a lifetime together should not be mutually exclusive. Marriage is long-term and spending the time to plan for it can help build a stronger foundation for the future. There are many things in life people often plan for. Take for instance, retirement. Preparing for retirement is one thing that comes to mind when I think of long-term planning goals. Preparing for financial security should not be more important than preparing for marriage and the obligations that go along with it. Both are long-term and I believe planning and preparation for both are a necessity. In my case, I started planning for retirement the day I started my career. Putting aside a portion of each paycheck was the sacrifice I made in preparation for the future. Although there's no guarantee for the future, I still committed to follow through with the plans I made. I also started an emergency fund to avoid having to pull money from my retirement savings in the event of unexpected expenses. I wanted to safeguard those funds so I could secure my future to the best of my ability. Alternatively, some people put off retirement planning until much later in life, resulting in working longer than expected or taking financial risks to build up the funds needed to retire comfortably. Planning too late can sometimes cause future financial struggles by limiting the amount of time you have to save or invest to reach retirement goals. Similar to retirement planning, we need to have a plan and safeguards in place to protect our marriage. Knowing and understanding the common reasons why marriages fail can help couples discuss possible issues before they arise. It can also provide insight into your level of compatibility before deciding to tie the knot. Premarital counseling is one option for couples to discuss some of the important aspects of a marriage, such as finances, children and religious beliefs. I've learned marriages often fail because important issues are never discussed until it's too late. For example, deciding whether or not to have kids and the responsibilities of each parent. Understanding that significant lifestyle changes occur as a result of starting a family is an important topic to discuss. I knew a couple who both agreed starting a family was important. Unfortunately, discussing the responsibilities and roles for each parent was overlooked and never considered prior to having kids. After having kids, both worked, but the husband also expected his wife to care for their children and maintain the home. This led to difficulties in their marriage as the level of responsibilities were not equally divided. Marriage is meant to be a partnership. An unrealistic expectation that one person is burdened with most of the responsibilities can also lead to damaged relationships and resentment.

Even with proper planning and preparation, there's no guarantee you won't encounter unexpected conflicts. There's also no guarantee your opinions and values won't change over time as you go through the different stages in life. Fortunately, learning from the mistakes and experiences of others can often provide valuable insight into how to resolve or work through difficult situations. We often seek the advice of others to help guide our decisions when navigating through unfamiliar territory. For example, many people will meet with financial advisors or tax accountants for advice prior to making any fiscal decisions. College students often meet with advisors to help guide them with potential career paths and ensure they meet the necessary requirements to earn a degree. So why should the topic of marriage be any different? Premarital counseling can help prepare couples for a lifelong investment in their marriage.

Not being prepared for, or at least aware of, the most common challenges faced in a marriage can lead to a greater risk for divorce. Having the opportunity to develop the necessary skills to effectively communicate and resolve conflicts is essential to achieve satisfaction and strengthen a relationship. In my case, I went years without resolution because I didn't know how to deal with an unexpected situation, resulting in bitterness and anger. Confronting the issue became more difficult as time went on, while distrust and resentment settled in. As time passed, I distanced myself from the relationship as I no longer wanted to face the emotional pain and stress caused by the secrets that divided us. I reached a point where I finally gave up on the marriage and asked for a divorce. Learning the truth came shortly after, but by then, I no longer wanted to work things out. Not dealing with the issues immediately, or shortly after, resulted in the marriage deteriorating over time.

Are you a planner? People often prepare for their kids’ college tuition, vacations or set aside money for a contingency fund; while others may spend everything they have and depend on credit cards to get them through tough times. Everyone has their own perspective in life, and some prefer to live day-to-day while others prefer to prepare for the future. There's no guarantee of the future, or anything for that matter, but what do you have to lose by preparing? Would you buy a car without knowing how much it costs? Most of us need to plan a budget to determine how much we can afford to spend. We plan for so many things in life, so why don't we plan for marriage? I didn't go to premarital counseling, so I learned many of the hard life lessons about marriage by going through the difficult times. Had I been better prepared for many of the unexpected trials, things may have turned out differently. But by the time I sought counseling, I was already in the middle of my divorce and I was resistant to fixing what was broken.

When issues arise in a relationship, do you put off dealing with it, hoping it will eventually blow over? Or do you confront it head-on before any anger has a chance to proliferate? Here’s how I see it - avoiding issues in a marriage is like putting debt on a credit card. Credit cards allow us to put off our debt for the moment and deal with it in the future. However, this comes with a price - compound interest. The interest on credit cards is compounded daily. As more debt is added to the card and only partial payments are made each month, the interest continues to grow exponentially. As time goes on, the burden of repayment may become overwhelming, and some are left with no choice but to file for bankruptcy. Similar to credit card debt, if we continue to avoid marital issues in a relationship, the burden of those unresolved matters will continue to build until a healthy relationship can no longer be sustained. Over time, unresolved conflicts will continue to resurface, creating a cycle of ongoing emotional and physical stress that may become so overpowering that divorce becomes the inevitable outcome. Fortunately, that doesn't always have to be the case. Broken relationships can be repaired after devastating circumstances. But don't wait until you've reached your breaking point in the relationship to seek guidance. It's never too early to ask for help, but immeasurable damage can be done if you wait too long.

We can’t be prepared for every possible issue that may arise in a marriage, but we can learn the necessary skills to help us work through the problems. I believe many of us try to escape our problems by diverting our attention to other things. Do you find yourself purposely avoiding your partner or spending as little time as possible with them to avoid arguments? Conflict is unavoidable in any relationship and learning how to effectively work through those problems is essential. There needs to be compromise and communication, unconditional love and forgiveness, honesty, and a constant effort to grow together. Marriage requires teamwork and sacrifice. Remember, your spouse is your partner, not your enemy.

Lessons Learned

Over the last few decades, the number of divorces continues to remain high with very little thought about what marriage and commitment truly means. It seems more and more couples are willing to accept divorce as a common life experience with no regard to the damage it leaves behind. So many people are willing to dedicate their time and energy to work, gaming, hobbies, etc., but very little effort is put forth into sustaining a healthy relationship. No marriage is perfect and leaving one for another doesn’t solve the problems. In fact, it may even compound the issues, making subsequent marriages much more difficult to sustain, especially when blended families are involved.

I think the most important lesson I've learned going through marriage, divorce and remarriage, is that the only way to succeed is to keep God at the center of your relationship and to lean on Him for guidance and support. Ecclesiastes 4:12 states, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." I've learned this scripture is often incorporated into marriage ceremonies and refers to the union of husband, wife and God; illustrating strength in unity. Each strand by itself can be easily broken, but when all 3 are woven together, they become harder to break. Don't allow your marital bond to unravel over time. Guard your heart and be led by the Holy Spirit, not by the world.

There are countless other lessons I've learned, both through counseling and personal experience, many of which I shared below.

• Divorce isn't always the answer to marital problems. A marriage can be resurrected with the right attitude and willingness from both parties to change what's been lost or broken. I've seen marriages rebuilt even after something as devastating as infidelity. The key is to see marriage the way God sees it, not the way the world sees it.
• Protect the sanctity of marriage. Be open and honest with one another and set boundaries around how you interact with friends of the opposite sex. Although it might be possible for men and women to remain just "friends", spending time alone may change or evolve the relationship into something more. All marriages are tested to the extreme, so don't open the door for tempation to enter.
• Love alone won't sustain a marriage. Marriage is a partnership requiring ongoing effort and devotion. Don't be fooled into thinking that if you love someone, everything else will just fall into place. Love is more than just words or a feeling, it's a conscious choice demonstrated through everyday actions.
• You can't avoid conflict. Don't avoid difficult conversations in an effort to keep the peace in a relationship. Unresolved issues will only foster resentment and weaken your emotional bond. Instead, learn and practice effective ways to solve problems in a loving and productive manner. Marriage counselors can also help you through the process and provide valuable strategies to work through challenging situations. However, be cautious when selecting a counselor as they can do just as much harm as they can do good.
• Learn effective conflict resolution techniques. Disputes are unavoidable, but learning and applying proper conflict management techniques can help strengthen and grow a relationship even during times of turmoil. Resolution should not be about who wins or loses, but rather how you work together to achieve an outcome that satisfies both parties. Marriage is a give and take relationship that requires sacrifice and compromise. It's not about always getting your way, but rather learning to maintain a healthy balance.
• Apologize sincerely. Apologizing and asking for forgiveness without a willingness to change hurtful behavior or accept responsibility for one's actions will only make matters worse in the long run. A sincere apology shows genuine remorse and a commitment to change. Without these underlying principles, issues will continue to resurface, causing further frustration and damage to the relationship.
• Be willing to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning hurtful behavior or imply that an offense is acceptable, but rather helps you break free from the negative impact it has on you. Forgiveness isn't always easy, but it's crucial to sustaining a healthy relationship. If you're the offender, be sure to give your spouse the time they need to process and move past the hurt. It's also important to learn how to forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made. It won't erase the past, but is necessary to move forward.
• Don't rush into any life-changing decisions if you've been hurt or betrayed. Take time to process and heal from the pain. Recovery often involves time and patience, and a commitment from both spouses to repair what's been damaged in the relationship. It's important not to push each other to try and fast track this process. Open and honest dialogue is critical, but time alone may also be beneficial for self-reflection and mental clarity.
• Communication is key. Constant communication is necessary and vital to sustain and grow a relationship. Learning and applying effective communication skills can also help a marriage thrive. Be open and honest about all your concerns, not just the big stuff. Little things may seem insignificant and unworthy of discussion, but if it's something that repeatedly bothers you, you need to discuss it with your spouse. Ignoring them only allows them to accumulate and cause further harm over time. Stay connected with one another and don't allow busy lives to become a barrier in your relationship.
• Consider premarital counseling. Counseling can help couples prepare for many of the common challenges faced in marital life. It's an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your partner's long-term goals and expectations by offering insights and real-life scenarios that ignite deeper conversations. It can provide several benefits to help build a strong foundation for a long and healthy relationship. I believe this is especially important when deciding to marry into a blended family.
• Don't stop dating. Put the same level of effort into your marriage as you did prior to tying the knot. Just because you're married doesn't mean you should take each other for granted. Even small gestures, like leaving a note or opening the door for your spouse shows appreciation and care for one another. Affection doesn't always need to be a grand gesture, as small daily acts of kindness add up over time. How you treat others can often set the stage for how they treat you in return.
• Change is inevitable. Expecting things to remain the same throughout your life and your marriage is an unrealistic expectation that can lead to disappointment and frustration. Rather than resisting change, learn to work through hardships as a team and keep the lines of communication open and honest. In some instances, change may even lead to new shared experiences and greater connections if you remain flexible to the possibilities of exploring new adventures. As your relationship evolves over time, learn to respect one another's differences as they will always exist.
• Prioritize self-care. Taking time to care for yourself is not a selfish act, but is necessary for your overall health and happiness, as well as for your relationship. This includes both physical and mental health. Neglecting your health can lead to consequences that not only impact you, but can also impact your spouse and their well-being.
• Practice self-reflection. Examining your own thoughts, behaviors and emotions can help you grow and recognize your role in relational conflicts. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Accepting responsibility for your actions can lead to a stronger, healthier marriage. It can also allow you to identify and manage emotional triggers that intensify negative behaviors.